My Journey to Almost-30 and Single...
I've been contemplating a blog for a few months now due to the fact that most females I know are not almost-30 and single. There seems to be no outlet in cyberspace for this demographic but I know, from personal experience, that we have a lot to say!
Let me begin with how I ended up at 29 and still single... I've always been "behind the curve" my entire life - I was a high school freshman before I had my first kiss, 18 when I lost my virginity, in college before I "dated", a college grad before I had a serious relationship - that hurt the most... Everyone I knew was getting engaged and I was dating a married, military man who was getting a divorce. Everything about my personal and dating life has been behind that of my peers and it never bothered me until the past couple years. My Facebook news feed used to be filled with partying, first apartments with roommates, dogs and other pets, and other drunken adventures and now, all I see everyday for the past 3 years, is engagements, marriages, first houses, and babies... I've had ENOUGH!
I am dating someone now and I've been dating R for like a year- I know, you ask why my blog title is "(more or less) single". It's because I feel single. You could consider our relationship like roommates who sleep together. He's an amazing man and I love him a ton but I've long since come to grips with the fact that our relationship is going nowhere. He's 36 but tells everyone he's 28. His best friend is 22 years old and I'm the first female over the age of 19 that he's ever dated. He was in a gang, he was a drug dealer, he barely finished high school, he drinks too much, he's completely unhealthy, he had cancer but won't change his lifestyle, he plays endless video games, and he owns his automotive garage. He doesn't pay his bills so he gets collections notices every day. He owes everyone money and doesn't even have a bank account. He has two children with two different women and I've never met any of them. He lives in the past and makes no plans for the future- but somehow wants a "life partner", although that in itself, is the least romantic thing I've ever heard. I've never cheated on him but everyone else did so he drives by my office (which is 30 mins away) to check if I'm really at work or not, I'm not allowed to have male friends, be on my phone or on Facebook... I'm not allowed to ask him questions but I have to just tell him everything. I used to have friends and go out often, but I don't anymore. I think my friends imagine that I've succumbed to that happy, relationship bubble where you don't talk to anyone else but I'm starving for a friend or anyone to listen....
So you can see why I consider myself single. I want someone to get home from work and ask me how my day was... Someone to have a conversation with and be responsible. I told him I was moving out, after I got home from a work trip to Vegas and he had packed up every single thing that I have in his apartment. I was a little tipsy one night, dancing at LAX, which one of my vendors had rented out where I got accosted by the owner of a company I do business with and he made out with me. I told R, hysterically crying, and his response was "I told you not to where that slutty blue dress- you were asking for it you stupid whore".... The blue dress is from H&M, it's tight sure but it's almost knee length and has a high cowl neck- definitely not slutty at all (and my mom agrees).
I know some of our problems are mine but I know I'm a good person and that a loving, conversation-filled, future-thinking relationship does exist. This is my journey on either cultivating what I have into that kind of relationship or finding one with a side of first-time home ownership!
